Monday, June 23, 2014

Alice Out Of Wonderland

Our local newspaper always prints divorce notices. I'm really not sure if that is the case everywhere.

The Divorce Filing Notice

I am officially single as of 9am this morning. I am even legally Jessica Montalvo again. I got all of that taken care of this morning; it is QUITE the process.  First court, then the Social Security Administration.  I don't wish this on anyone...I really don't.

Ironically, the judge signed the paperwork right then and there; which doesn't usually happen that fast. They gave me the paperwork signed, sealed, and delivered in hand while I was still there.

June 23rd will be a day unlike any other day. A day for new beginnings. A rebirth for the both of us.


Alice woke up from her time in Wonderland today...and she finally answered Mr. Caterpillar's question.


*To everyone who took the time to read my story: I wish you love and peace.


-signing off
<3 Jessica

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

This Fairytale Mumbo Jumbo

Once upon a time, there was this girl who married this boy. He happened to be in the military part time and then he went to full time military. She happened to be a teacher and then she withered away because she didn't know the extent of his life story and how complex trauma would later affect him and his relationship with her. Life happened. Things changed. The idea became a bad one. And it didn't work out for them.  The end. 

This is what I will remember. There is no need to hold on to the ugly details. Really, there isn't. What is there a need to? I am not looking to be upset for the rest of my life. I like the happy part; where I can be myself and as happy as possible, at all times. 

The knowledge that I have attained is the greatest gift from this marriage. The awareness of what mental illness is, what it can look like, how it can affect judgement, decision making, relationships, etc. Mental illness is its own entity, but when handled with care, it can turn out for the best for everyone involved. I know that relationships don't have to suffer if we can get to the bottom of being informed.  One can still have a successful relationship. The military simply added an extra layer of shit to the mix.

I understand. I don't hate him. God no. I love him. So much so that I have decided I can never be his friend.  He cannot have ties to a person he mistreated and expect a full recovery. I cannot have ties to him with the memories of how he made me feel as a constant reminder. It's about health and wellness. I wish him the best in his journey. Now it's time to focus on mine.

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." -Maya Angelou


Monday, June 16, 2014

I'm Found

I haven't really wanted to write anything lately.

In these two "cooling off" months, things have come into greater focus; I've gotten clearer perspective. 

I probably won't write anything more after June 23rd.

On June 23rd, I will be officially single. 

June 23rd happens to be Daniel's birthday. Now if that's not irony, then I don't know what is. 

In these two months, I have found life; I have found happiness. I have found hope and optimism. 

I never wanted to be defined as a military wife. Never. I have always wanted to be defined as Jessica.  I know her now; but for a long while I had been a bystander to a person who would never find value in a relationship with me until it was too late. I will never look back. I will never be his friend. I will never see him again.  Why would I? Why? I was a pebble in his shoe. And I understand this now.  It doesn't offend me. 

I've figured out what emotions I've been feeling. I have been feeling relieved. 

Hands down, I felt betrayed, but for other reasons; they were reasons by my own hand. It wasn't due to being locked out of my home, being told to go away, being yelled at, being threatened. Sure, it was unpleasant. But, these are just things that can happen to people.

This trauma wasn't as devastating to me as the trauma I caused for myself.  What I've learned is that I locked myself out of my own life, my own dreams, my own goals and allowed a person who was very abusive to continue to abuse me. He also happened to be mentally ill and wouldn't get help.  I'm to blame for thinking I could somehow save him. I was so stupid. 

Complex trauma is just that. Complex. I'm not even qualified to begin to know how to tackle something like these layers of shit. I do have compassion for Daniel's story. But I hope that with this new life, it will bring peace for the both of us. Because we are all broken. You, me, all of us...we are all broken in some way for some reason. And that's the beauty of all of us; our scars. We all bring experiences to help our future generation in some way. There are two ways to lead with our trauma....in a bad way, or in a good way. 

Losing him is no longer painful for me. 

I've learned that if in life you don't feel good about something...don't do it!

If in life you aren't happy...be happy by eliminating the things or people from your life that aren't contributing to your wellbeing. It's as simple as that.  I made it complicated. 



Saturday, May 24, 2014

Memorial Day

Memorial Day.

It has a whole new meaning for me now.


This past week, I was at a conference for work. Of course, I was reunited with co-workers throughout the region, exchanging chit chat, updates, and new stories. I did not, for the life of me, expect to be questioned about how my husband was doing. And it could have been a brief, "He's fine," except it wasn't. It was a barrage of questions about him because no one has any idea about what is happening other than a couple of people I sent my blog link to, like a coward, because I can't speak about it out loud. Ugh. There goes my shivering of how cold I was at the time because of the thermostat in the room being turned down extremely low. It was suddenly hotter than hell in the room. Dang!

I have not been able to talk to anyone about what is happening. I just haven't been able to bring myself to doing so just yet.

But this past week forced me to talk about it.

My heart fell to my stomach. My voice started shaking. I started shaking. Tears in my eyes. OMG, this luncheon just became a torture session! ...I was afraid.

Perhaps afraid to tell someone that my husband could have killed me? Perhaps afraid that I was locked out of my home because of his paranoia? Perhaps it was the fact that I was rejected by the person I thought to be my best friend? Perhaps the person who asked me to marry him? Geesh...I still don't know. I really should sit down to figure this out to move past it completely.

Am I ashamed? Am I embarrassed? Am I terrified? Betrayed?

I haven't been able to own up to my emotions about this. The interaction I've had with my soon to be ex-husband in less than a month, is business-like and brief, via text message. And it's not often at all.

The business of my life is welcomed. I welcome all of the extra projects I've been assigned to at work. It allows no time to think about anything other than the task at hand.

But I have an entire weekend off right now. And like Scarlett O'Hara, I don't want to think about that now, I'll think about it tomorrow.

...I've been thinking. My job saved my life.

I don't know if the gratitude I feel can ever be verbalized. Perhaps one day I'll have the courage to tell people, verbally, the reason why my job saved my life.



Tuesday, April 29, 2014

THE Paperwork

Wednesday, the 23rd, I filed for divorce.  The nervousness that resides in my stomach is because it's not done yet. It's a time factor; another waiting game. Indiana requires a 2 month "cooling off" period before divorce paperwork is finalized.

Within this brief time, I have learned from my husband, via text, that his official diagnosis is depressive disorder, severe PTSD, and Bipolar.

He has told me over the phone that he is suicidal and homicidal. Which makes this experience even more heartbreaking for me to go through.  Because it's not just anger and resentment, it's compassion and empathy as well. I feel all of these things for him. He was getting help before, but he stopped treatment. He just got worse when he came back from this most recent deployment.

I have been advised to obtain a restraining order. And after questioning whether or not it would anger my husband, I was told that with it or without it, it's the same thing. At least with a protective order, I have documentation, safety.

Bipolar disorder can cause changes in judgement, thinking, decisions, and behaviors that can worsen if left untreated.

With the whirlwind of my life lately, my mind races. I've been advised to sell my place and move somewhere else. I've been told to watch my back, use my instincts at all times, and call a CIT Officer at any time because they will know how to deal with a person with a mental illness.

Oh yes, if the military wont help me with information...I will seek help. So, I got myself some assistance in this matter. I am being proactive because there is nothing set in place for me as a military spouse. Like I said before, any and all information is strictly confidential.

Red flags since he got back from his deployment were:
he bought me a gun
he bought a shotgun, but does not hunt, and has not hunted since he bought the gun
he spent large amounts of money
he wouldn't do regular household chores
he was constantly washing laundry
he bought a BMW
he spoke about "killing" certain people he works with
random rage, no significant reasons that would cause the outbursts of anger
couldn't commit to a school, has been "pursuing his degree" with excuses why not to follow through
pushed me away
embraced his friends




In Mourning

How on earth is anyone supposed to know how to handle mental illness when we aren't allowed the information? How does any of this make any sense?  If the counselor had told me that he was going through a manic episode, and explained what this meant, and what needs to happen, it is quite possible we wouldn't be going to this extreme of getting divorced. But, any and all contact with my husband has stopped.

I guess I'm in that place right now where quite possibly every person goes during this situation...the questioning; is it the right thing to leave? I know that it is. But at the same time...I still think about him. I feel like he has no one. Well...I guess he has those guys. The friends that don't really know a damn thing about him. Yet, they still took precedence over me.  This still blows my mind. I think, perhaps, it will continue to blow my mind until the day I die.

Have you ever had that one person that knows everything about you? Knows your dreams? Your fears? Your hopes for the future? And then doesn't care if you even exist?

Is this mourning?



Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Refocusing

I remember he used to make me laugh...all the time. Just as much as I made him laugh.

I remember the billion nick names he gave me. He said I was unique and deserved to be named many different names because of how unique I am.

I remember how he learned how to give me a hug after I taught him.

I remember how giving he was. He would give the shirt off his back to anyone.

I remember how much fun we had.

I remember when he proposed.

I remember his face on our wedding day. He looked happy and inquisitive.


It's simply time to go our separate ways now.

I won't allow anger, resentment, sadness, nor negative feelings into my life.

I will remember the beauty of the relationship.

After all, what is there to be angry about?

I am alive.


Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Confidentiality

HIPPA privacy laws protect the privacy of individually identifiable health information. So, what does this mean? A military spouse is not privy to any information whatsoever. I am not even privy to my husbands diagnosis. So, basically, we aren't allowed to know if our lives are in danger.

The only thing the counselor said a few weeks ago to me was that, "Daniel said that he doesn't want to hurt you." And at this point, I'm taking it differently than how I had originally interpreted based on previous conversations I had with my husband and his unpredictable anger episodes that I have witnessed.

I am a little peeved at this entire process. If my life is in danger, I'll be dammed if some stupid law won't allow me to know if I'm at risk. This is complete and utter bullshit.

Why isn't anyone reaching out to me to tell me that my safety is secure? Is it because it's an individual case that doesn't concern anyone?

From what I understand now, he is not allowed to report to work. He has orders to report to a facility for mental health counseling. But, this is being told to me by someone other than my husband. Don't get me wrong, my husband is telling me this, but from what I have gathered, he is medicated, suffering from paranoia, depression, severe PTSD, and rage issues when triggered.

Tell me where this is right HIPPA? Tell me where it's ok to not tell me what the fuck is happening.

It's time to leave it to my instincts because no one protects the military spouse. I know how I rate.  If I'm not wearing a uniform, I mean absolutely nothing!

I refuse to live in fear! Refuse! This is why I am speaking out.



The Moment I Was Done

The moment I was done was during one of the last phone conversations I had with him. He said to me, shouted rather, "my recovery has absolutely nothing to do with you."

It was at that moment I said to myself that after all of these years of standing beside him and putting up with his emotional and psychological abuse that I was just done. It was as if a light switch turned on for me.  I realized that the resentment that I feel would most certainly outweigh the love I have for him. Which is SO sad and upsetting for me to even write.

See, our marriage has not been what people may think they've seen. But, vows, to me, are as sacred as having children.

I have surrendered to the uphill battle that I knew I could never possibly win.

My white flag has been raised.

I've had enough.

Just the other day, he told me he went on to match maker websites to look for someone that is compatible with him. Yep.

OH! He said he still wants to be friends, too.



Breaking In

I ordered a 14 foot UHaul to gather my things from our home.  I knew I'd need this size because I have years worth of life lived. Plus, I was a former teacher. Remember that teachers are hoarders? This girl right here is no different. Like I said before, I may need a textbook or some supply for the future. So, I knew the 14 footer would be useful because my husband told me that he had set my things in the garage for my convenience.

When I arrived at the house, I literally thought I was being punked. There were only a few items in the garage for me to take. Seriously? I will be dammed. So, what did I do? I called a locksmith while he was at drill for the weekend. I will NEVER, and I do mean, never, see my husband again. I will NEVER go back to the house. I am entitled to my things being taken out of hostage. I will not prolong this bullshit longer than it needs to be.

On a side note, I must mention that even after explaining the situation to our local police station, they said they wouldn't come to "protect and serve." They wouldn't come to be on "stand by" for me at all to feel safe. They said they'd need a court order to do something like that.

After I got all of my things, my UHaul was as full as I knew it would be.

My husband even lied to ADT and changed the pass code to the alarm system. I am the only one on the account. But he was able to tell them whatever he needed to, to gain access. So, there I was on the phone with ADT, telling them that it wasn't supposed to be changed. What a fucking nightmare. Can I just wake up? PLEASE?!



Friday, April 11, 2014

Locked Out

Before we have even filed for divorce, my husband has re-keyed the entire house, leaving me no access to the house so I can gather my things.

He said he didn't want to take any chances because he thinks I would be just like his ex-wife, and take things that weren't mine. Has he ever known me? Seriously? WTH!

He packed everything for me to pick up and left everything in the garage. I am able to access what he packed because I have the garage door opener. No need to go into the house.

He actually bought himself a BMW today.



His text message this evening: "Are you sure you don't want to be with me anymore? Is it a decision you can live with for the rest of your life?"

My response: "Yes." "I don't understand why you are asking."

His response: "I don't want a divorce if we can be fixed. That's why I'm asking. I love you. That's why I'm asking."

My response: "We shouldn't discuss it anymore. You have re-keyed our home illegally so I won't have access to my things. You say you love me, but that's not love. Nor is it trust."

His response: "It's not personal about the locks being rekeyed. I just know what I went through last time."


Seriously? Nothing personal?


Dear God,

Please help me get through this. And please keep me safe.





Thursday, April 10, 2014

Roller Coaster Ride

I know what you must be thinking...What the hell happened, right?

Well, in a few short months, I resumed the roller coaster ride.

At first, we were hanging in there, seeing each other as much as possible, driving back and forth to see each other, and taking turns.

Then it went to me driving down to our home more often than him coming up.

Then, it went to deciding to put our home on the market for sale.

Then, it went to looking for properties up in Fort Wayne, with the intent of him moving up here, where he would commute every day. He actually made me feel like he loved me at this time. But that fell through when he said we'd get a house in Fort Wayne, and he'd get a condo in Indianapolis. This made no sense to me, because we currently have a condo in Fort Wayne and a house in Indianapolis. So I said, why don't we just keep doing what we're doing now? And he agreed.

Then, he stopped coming up to see me. I was the only one going down at this point. He was busy with the boys, taking for granted the fact that we didn't see each other as much, and even when I went down to our home to be with him, he would instead go out with the boys. I must note that he sees the boys EVERY DAY. He is always with them. Oh, I forgot to mention that he stopped calling me, too.

Then, he said I need to stop with my ego by allowing him to look for jobs for me down in Indianapolis. So, here we were again with this venture. He actually looked into a district manager position for some restaurants because he has a buddy who needs a district manager. Seriously? I have no experience with this AT ALL. But, he assessed after talking with his buddy that I wouldn't be cut out for it because I probably wouldn't like it.

So, then, he told me to just quit my job and go down to our home and take my time looking for a job that fits my schooling background; something will eventually come up.

Well...I don't know about you, but given the track record, and the unpredictability of life lately....he is actually ALMOST finished packing all of my things from our home, ready for me to pick up at my earliest convenience, and as soon as possible.   .....I told him that I couldn't take that chance by just quitting my job without a full time job to go to because I didn't want him to accuse me again of being unemployed.

So, I understand now that the reason he wants me out of his life as soon as possible is because of responsibility. He only wants the responsibility of himself. And the boys.

Afterall, I cannot compete with the guys. I actually have expectations in a marriage. With his friends, the expectations are who can get drunk faster? Who can stay out longer? What kind of fun can we have today? See...I am the enemy. I actually expect responsibility.

Does this hurt my feelings knowing he doesn't care if I'm around? Of course it does...absolutely!

And at this point in my life, I just can't take it anymore. I just can't.


Friday, April 4, 2014

Communication By Text

He never wants to see me again.

Wait...he wants to see me?

Wait...what?

Communication by text.

Emotionless.

I just can't cry.

Last weekend, which is the last weekend I will be seeing him until further notice, he talked to me like a soldier. My name is now Roger.

Did I mention I hated being talked to like a soldier? I'm sure I did. No wait...I said, I loved it. Yep. Ever so much so.

Who am I speaking to? How about now? Now?

Sade sings to me, she sings, "There's a long, hard road ahead. What a voice inside me said.  Said, there's something all that you need to know...it's gonna be alright." 


Monday, March 31, 2014

What's In It For Me?

What's in it for me? Oh so very much. A constant question of loyalty. Umm...a constant question of trust.

I should have gotten a job at McDonald's.

Yep. He said I should have gotten a job at McDonalds. I should have done whatever it took to stay at our home.

I can see clearly now.

I am in a long distance relationship at this point. What I've found in this year, in my dream job, is a new girl. A girl with confidence, self-esteem, happiness. I'm no longer the result of my environment of depression. Why would I want to go back to dark clouds looming over everything?

Severe depression and severe PTSD. Am I a bad person for not wanting to be at the receiving end of rage and anger?

NO ONE has given me the tools to know how to deal with his depression. But I am not willing to be around to be on the receiving end of his unpredictability. HOW on earth do military spouses stay in their marriages? Surely a person can be destroyed without knowing that depression does this. Depression, PTSD, whatever you want to call it, kills people. It kills their spirits. Sometimes you can't get it back.

The best thing my husband could have done was find me "suspiciously unemployed" during his deployment. He saved my life. I will take all his abuse that comes along with it, just as long as I don't have to be around him every day so I can ensure my own safety.

I can still love him from afar as long as I possibly can.

But I won't give up on something I love very much: me

May he get the rehabilitation he needs to perhaps one day piece together this shell of a marriage.

I must mention that to this day, I have not found full time employment in the metro area. I actually just got another rejection letter in the mail yesterday, and a rejection email from another place today.  I've had two interviews within the year and am always #2. I'm done trying.

I can't help but believe that the universe is protecting me from going back.


Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Let us Continue

I debated whether or not I wanted to continue my blog here. I wanted to keep the blog open for optimism and hope for the future. I really hadn't planned on adding anything more. I just wanted to leave it as it was. However, I feel like it has now come to a point where it's time to keep talking.

Today and for a while now, I feel like my marriage is the strongest it has ever been.  My husband and I share as much as we possibly can. I am still displaced, living in one place during the week for work, and traveling to and from our home during the weekends. He travels, too. We take turns.

But the reason I am here today is because of this: My husband's co-worker was murdered. 12 years of service, he had even been to Iraq, yet was murdered on U.S. soil by some kids. No seriously, kids. 18 and 19 years old. So now he leaves behind a wife and a one year old child.

I question what is happening in the world today. I question why certain things have to happen.

Craigslist is evil if you ask me. This soldier was lured to be robbed by gunpoint, thinking he was meeting up with someone who he would buy an iPad from. But who knew that he would fight back? As a result, was shot in the back of the head.

I didn't want my husband to be a part of the rage and anger that would result from this cruel and horrific prank. But, it was inevitable. He was upset, and I felt it.

He took it hard, too, because he had remembered that I mentioned I wanted an iPad. I do not, for the life of me, remember mentioning that I wanted one, but he told me that he had been looking at the same ad, as well as others, on Craigslist, and was considering answering the ad himself. Instead, he gave me his tablet since he no longer needed it.

Why is my question. Why do people hurt each other? Why?

http://www.theindychannel.com/news/local-news/brothers-formally-charged-with-murder-in-fatal-shooting-of-veteran

Did these two young children know it was wrong to kill someone? Did they know it was wrong to cheat people out of money? cheat people out of their family? their friends?

Our soldier fought to retain the freedom for the very people that killed him. All for a few bucks.  He fought for their freedom; all of our freedom.  The irony.

The heartbreak.

Where is love?

Why must we fight?

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

When Is It A "Good" Time?

When is it a good time to lay it all out on the table? The Ugly Truth. When is it a good time to seriously face the reality of a situation?

There is no point in rehashing all of the horrible things that people have to endure throughout a marriage here.  There's no point in rehashing all of the horrible things that military wives have to endure throughout their marriage to a soldier here, either.  There might be subtle differences, simply because civilians are not shipped out to serve and protect.  The point is, is that we either stay and endure, or we do not.  The choice is on each of us.

At this point in time, I know what I want in my life and I know what I do not want in my life.  I know that I have a voice and I know that my voice is valid.  It's interesting when a person comes their crossroads.  I came to my crossroad when my husband returned.  In all honesty, it was all or nothing.  We have spent many days in discussion.  No warm and fuzzy until sez discussion was completed and accomplished.

My husband is home just in time for us to celebrate our 5th year anniversary together, which wasn't originally supposed to happen, because they weren't scheduled to come home before the 5th.  Somehow, the timing worked out in order for us to do so.  To celebrate.  Isn't timing a peculiar thing?

We proceed forward, together, with the situations that were created from these yearlong happenings.  We are going to try to make it work.

Optimism just walked in.  I hope it stays forever.



Thursday, June 27, 2013

Home Now

I still cannot believe that he is home.

They had a big media spectacle just like the departure ceremony.  I was just ready to get out of the massive crowds of people.

I find it funny that part of our family briefing emphasized for us to NOT have parties or a big gathering upon their return. Yet, they had this huge media circus. I was not prepared for the big crowd.  I found out later that my husband wasn't prepared for the big crowd either, nor were the other soldiers for that matter.

The ceremony was one of the most overwhelming experiences of my life.  As they were marching in toward me, (I was right beside the media within the cafeteria, with the best view), I saw the tears that consumed our soldiers. They were moments away from their families, yet, still expected to march in, and "perform" for the audience.  As you can see, I have my opinions about these ridiculous ceremonies.

I never found my husband when they were "released." There were just way too many people there.  It was many minutes later that I saw him coming from the opposite direction in a different hallway.

I don't know if he didn't recognize me or what...but all he said was, "WOAH!"

I later asked him what he meant by the "WOAH," and he said he thought I looked like a doll. LOL!



Tuesday, June 25, 2013

The Call

You know...when you get "the call," it shouldn't cause fear.

I have been having panic attacks.


All My Fault

When someone tells you to leave all of the time, I think it's likely and possible to become insecure in a marriage.  It may soon become a relationship where, one no longer believes in their loyalty and commitment because of hurtful statements such as these.  He keeps saying, "If I'm such a horrible person, leave."  Those statements regularly do not make me feel wanted or loved.  They just make me feel like he doesn't care to listen to what I have to say because it is not valid and I am not valid.

It's funny how we see true colors of the person we are in a relationship with.  It's funny how other people outside of the relationship perceive the person.

I sound like a fucking baby, but let's face it...this does not get any better.  This story does not get any better.  Life is what it is.  The military is what it is.  We go about our days, coping as best as we can.  We fill our days with shit to do in order to cope.  Some people choose to do good things with their time, some choose to do destructive things.

I read an article yesterday that talked about a military wife leaving her husband after 30 years of devotion.  Her husband was a lifer with the military and then decided to exit the military.  He didn't know what to do with himself because he was always told what to do.  They become machines seeking input regularly, not able to think on their own, and then snap when they no longer have the input.  At least, this is what I gathered from the article.

God, what the hell is happening? Why am I becoming so damn pessimistic again?

I had a conversation last night with my husband that HAD to happen.  I'm sick and tired of texts anymore.  It started off with arguments, yelling, what I felt were threats...and ended with a kind of resolution.  I am SO uneasy but he makes it seem as if it's no big deal.  Maybe I should continue to think like him, no emotions.  Just a simple...if you want to stay, stay; if you want to go, go.  Like it's that fucking simple! Like it doesn't phase him in the least! When did I become the person that he doesn't care whether or not I stay in his life?? WHEN?!?!?! No use in crying over spilled milk.  No point to bring emotions into it.  But why is it such a big ass deal to me? I can only save myself.

I decided to leave our home and take my job in Fort Wayne. He decided to blame me for it.  He decided to tell me that I now have to suffer the consequences of my actions.  I should be assuming responsibility. I am to blame? I am to blame.  I am the source of why our marriage is now in jeopardy. WTF.  Seriously? Am I seriously that horrible?  I had NO malice in my heart when I applied for this job...only desperation.  I couldn't have him thinking that I was taking him for a ride. Yet...I am the one that has put our marriage in jeopardy. OMG. Seriously?

I will never understand marriage. I will never understand relationships. I will never understand him. period.

Why do we do the things we do to each other?  It is pride?  Ego?  Control?

Why is our marriage now in jeopardy because of me?

What about him?  What about his actions? What about what set off this entire situation?

I was the one who accepted the job, the ONLY job that was offered to me.

I can't do anything right.

All I know is that whatever will be, will be.  I just have to brace myself for the continuation of this roller coaster ride.

He said, "I'm sorry, Jess, but I will not allow you to play the victim here."

I am to blame.

For the record, if it ends, it was my fault.  I just want to get that out there. ALL MY FAULT.  Please initiate blame at Jessica.  Jessica is such a fucking horrible wife!

I can't believe this is happening.



Monday, June 24, 2013

The Ridiculousness of Life's Temptations

I've been reading more books lately, every chance I can get, about the military wife experience and how they have "needs."  One of the books I read says, "I won't say I wasn't tempted, because I'm a human with weaknesses after all, but I also love and respect my husband as a man and a person."

I have read other books like these that say the military spouses were "tempted." ...Shit...not me.  Not at all.  I think it is how I feel about men, in general, that tell me to stay the fuck away from all of them. No, seriously.  If it doesn't work with my husband, I will be damned if I get married again.  I've endured legitimate justifications for the way I feel about so-called "temptation."  I would be happy being alone for the rest of my life to where the only expectations that are put upon me, are mine and mine alone.

I know what my friends tell me...this isn't a normal way of thinking, Jess....they aren't the same, blah da blah, blah, blah. I know they are not.  But, I'm just tired.  If I don't give my heart away, then I wont be mortified when my devotion is questioned and trivialized.

This does not, in any way, shape, or form mean that I do not love my husband.  He has no idea how much I love him, and he never will.  He will never know or understand what he means to me, just as much as I will never know or understand how much I mean to him.  However, lately I feel like I'm dispensable to him.  Sometimes I feel like I've endured wayyyy more bullshit than one should in a lifetime.  It has just been tiresome work.  I guess I had my own fantasy as to what a marriage was supposed to look like.  And it definitely did not include deployment.  Deployment just complicates everything.  I guess if life wasn't a challenge, than it isn't worth living? LOL...I'm laughing at myself right now.

One thing that I think he must have expected from me was that I would trash our home, take all of the things that would fetch a price and sell those things for the cash, and stop paying all of the bills like his previous wife did, when he was deployed previously.  Yeah. That happened. It kinda happens all the time. We just don't hear about it.

I just want my best friend back. I want it to be back to the way it was right before he was deployed, when I knew for sure that he loved me as much as I love him.  I want there to be no issues whatsoever, no reasons for conflict, only happiness and love and rainbows, and fluffy kittens, with cuddly panda bears. I know...A fuckin' episode of My Little Pony!





Uneasy


The past week or so have me uneasy about everything. I seriously do not know what my husband wants.  I am not a puppet, but I sure feel like one after he got ahold of me.  One conversation consists of: "you jumped ship, you left our home," and the next conversation is: "Let me be clear, I do not want a divorce."  I feel like I have done everything to keep him happy and much, much, more.  I feel like I am not cut out for a full time job, and a full time military wife position. I seriously want to know the nationwide statistics as to which military spouses are employed full-time, which military spouses have maintained a full-time position for over a year of time or more, and which military spouses are unemployed and stay at home full-time.  I seriously want to know this information.  Am I the only one who feels this way? Am I the only wife that consistently feels inadequate? Am I the only one that feels as if I cannot do anything right?  He says I have my perception of reality, and he has his.  Sure, that may be true. But what the hell?! He made me feel like shit when I couldn't find a job on his timeline.  And when he did that, I felt like I couldn't do anything.  And then when I got my job, I finally sighed a breath of relief because he could no longer accuse me of being a liar as if I was a gold digger or whatever his fit was about, but then I jumped ship?  He actually told me that he just wanted me to stay busy.  WTF.

<<taking a breath>>

It is what it is.

<<taking another breath>>

I can't change anything.  

<<taking another breath>>

He tried to control the situation and this is what happened.

I need to stop being negative.  But I am fucking scared of reintegration.  

Am I horrible for saying that I am not ready?  

I just don't know who to expect anymore.  I don't know who my husband is or who he has become.





Monday, June 17, 2013

Getting Lectured

I am pissed off. Why? Because my husband is lecturing me at how I shouldn't have neglected his car. I seriously am fed up.  I feel like he is now using my blog against me, and throwing it in my face. I want to just delete the entire fucking thing.  Well...knowing that he's reading it, I should just talk about how fucking wonderful my life has been and how wonderful it is to live my life.  I should talk about how much I love that he was abusive with me about calling me a liar about not finding a job, and how I just love how much I have to drive back and forth to maintain life in Indianapolis and in Fort Wayne.  I am sure he would love to hear how wonderful everything is, and how I am at home baking cookies for him upon his return, and how I have SO much time and am just thrilled that his attitude will come home to put me in check.  Oh, how much I love being bullied! I just love it so much, I can't wait to have it full time.  I just love how I was all by myself with no help.  I just love how supportive he was. I love how much I love being married.

I cannot be a positive and happy camper right now.  I just can't.

I am going to try but I cannot make any promises.

My blog is a blog. It does not document my daily life.  I have not documented all of my bad days and I have not documented all of my good days, either.  If I really wanted to talk about how I really felt in all of the circumstances I've experienced, I would.  But I have tried to be as positive as possible.

Right now, I don't have the energy to be optimistic.



Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Mi Vida Loca

Military OneSource has a variety of materials that can be ordered to help with coping and learning about the possible scenarios for when our soldiers come home and how to deal with them accordingly. I had ordered this a while back, and wanted to make sure I at least mention it here.  The scenarios and topics that were dealt with in this short read were all kind of alarming.  This is because they are scenarios in which the soldiers experienced extreme conditions, extreme situations, and extreme combat, which resulted in extremely abusive situations when they returned home to their families and home life.  I am not saying that my husband is not experiencing the extremes as well, but if these scenarios come in to play when he returns, I am in for a HUGE awakening and realization.  I hope to God that my husband is in sound health and of sound mind upon his return.

I haven't talked to him much lately.  The pace of my job is at full speed ahead for the summer, which gives me little time allotment for me to actually talk with him.

Yes, my husband will be home soon. I cannot be sure of what day he will arrive or what month for that matter, but I know it is: soon.

Right now, I'm planning the three classes I will be teaching for our summer academy program, among so many other things.  I taught as a "fill-in" yesterday for a 3 hour college communications course.  Part of my job description includes the "pre-professional" program, where I find local employers to hire my students during our summer program.  This was SO rewarding for me to do.  And it was an eye awakening experience as well.  People straight up told me that it would be more work for them to invest any kind of time in to training my students.  This broke my heart because I know of the motivation each of my students have.  Whoever doesn't want to give them opportunities that they wouldn't otherwise get can shove it.

My business has become an official sponsor for Keystone Pinups, which is a non-for-profit organization based out of Pennsylvania that caters to the public to raise funds and awareness for veterans, military, and first responders.  OMG!

This crazy life...is crazy busy right now.

The outlet I have had here has literally become obsolete because my life is jam packed with so many things that I have no time to reflect. There's only time to push forward, and use the hours I do have to making new products for my business.

A couple of weeks ago I said, "OMG, where is the pause button?" But, I seriously would not have run into the opportunities that seem to just be flooding my life.  Did I mention how grateful I am? I really am.



Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Princess Daisy

So, this past weekend, I went to Wisconsin for the Kustom Kemps of America Stomp event and Pinup contest.  Here’s the thing…my dream car is a 1957 Chevy ragtop in fire engine red. No, Seriously.  It has always been my dream car. Always.  The way I feel about this car is like what the Superbowl means to those diehard men who have attended each one since its inception.  Yeah. It’s that bad.

Carmen and Jessica
Carmen and Jessica
My twin sister and brother-in-law decided to join me in my big adventure to Stevens Point, Wisconsin.  None of us had ever been there before.  I drove.  7 hours each way. Not bad.  Words cannot even describe the experience I had.  Let me begin with Carmen Lee; Carmen Lee from Carmen Lee and The Tomorrow River Two band.  She is my friend; my beautiful friend.  You know…it’s amazing how people come into our lives. She inspired me to participate in the pinup contest that she coordinated and was the MC for.  She accepted women from all walks of life; all shapes, all sizes to participate in the contest. This is something I never imagined myself doing.  But I am so glad that I did. I met some amazing women, including Carmen, for the first time.

I placed 3rd in the contest, which I am at this moment, still thrilled about, for various reasons.  Each girl had to make three poses on stage and was asked one question.  There were 22 girls in total, 3 had backed out of the contest.  My question was: Who is the person you are proud of and why? I said: My husband because he is currently serving our country overseas.  It was a natural answer to a question that had never been asked of me before.  The crowd went wild with my answer. It was pretty surreal. …It is my truth.

So, here’s the thing. The three of us who placed 1st, 2nd and 3rd were all photographed by a professional photographer, and the photos will be put in a spread in a magazine called Dames, Trains, and Automobiles. OMG!  So, we picked which vintage car we wanted to have photos with, and the photographer went to town with taking photos of each of us.

Guess which car I picked? …my beautiful ’57 Chevy ragtop in fire engine red.  Yep. There was one there at the event.  I thanked the owner of the car probably somewhere around a million times. Something so surreal had become even more surreal.  I sat in that baby. I checked out its genuine interior, felt the seats, the chrome…OMG…I’m literally fantasizing about this car right now. HAHAHA!

I was not used to so much attention.  I think at one point, there were at least ten people taking pictures of me at one time. Even a little girl wanted to take a picture with me but was too shy to ask me herself, so she had her mom approach me. She was SO happy after we took the photo together. That made me SO happy. What an overwhelming time, on so many levels. I still cannot even express myself correctly here.

So…I’m KKOA’s Princess Daisy.

Just call me Ms. Daisy…or Princess…LOL!

…Diva. HAHAHA!

It was so funny because the night before we took off, I told my sister that I need to buy some nails and eye lashes.  I then proceeded to laugh my ass off, saying, “OMG, I’m such a diva!”

The first place winner and I had on the same dress. We joked about it the entire night and even messaged each other to find out what we would wear to the evening dance party just to make sure we weren’t wearing the same dress. HILARIOUS! 

Fanny Freckles and Jessica. We met for the first time back
stage and realized that we had the same dress on.


Thursday, May 23, 2013

Military vs. Civilian: The Truth Behind The Myths


Fellow blogger, Emma Banks, contacted me about collaborating together on a piece that has to do with a number of common misconceptions surrounding the civilian job search and application process for those who have served/are serving in the military and their families.  I feel like this is a crucial piece to be informed about because there are possible scenarios that our soldiers are faced with when making decisions about their future employment.  There is an employment coordination program for military members and family members that may be effective for them, though they were not effective or helpful at all for me.  However, here is some information that is helpful for our soldiers transitioning back into the civilian workforce that will be useful.

Getting to the Truth: Job Myths That Hold Veterans Back

All of you who are veterans, or who will soon be veterans, know how difficult the transition to civilian life can be for both yourselves and your families. Whether your time in the military was relatively short or a long career, the thought of moving into a new career and the stresses of job hunting can seem daunting. However, do not be discouraged! As a veteran, you have not only served our country, but you have also proved yourselves capable of surviving and thriving in extraordinarily difficult circumstances; you can take that resilience and adaptability into the job market. Knowing you've been tempered in some of the toughest fires, you should not just be seeking any job, you should use this time to follow your dream career.

It's also important to keep in mind that there are number of myths out there about job hunting and about job hunting for veterans in particular. Some of them are outdated and others seem like common sense but simply aren't true. Here are a few common myths, and the reality behind them:

Myth #1: People don't want to be asked to give references; they will find it an imposition to be asked.
Truth: If it's someone who thinks highly enough of you that you want to use them as a reference, that person will welcome the opportunity to help you out. In addition, giving out a reference is easier now than ever before – companies such as JIBE, a mobile recruiting specialist company, have developed social referral tools that allow you to use sites like LinkedIn and Facebook to connect with people and solicit referrals.

Myth #2: I can't get a job because I am a disabled veteran.
Truth: Although it may feel like this sometimes, there are actually quite a number of programs that exist specifically to help disabled veterans find civilian employment. The US Department of Veterans Affairs has a list of programs include training, counseling, and job searching services right on their website.

Myth #3: I won't get the job unless I have the best qualifications.
Truth: Having the minimum qualifications is necessary, but beyond that, companies often look at how a person actually fits in with the overall culture of the company. Someone who meets the minimum qualifications but has a great personality can definitely have a shot at the position over someone who may have more than the minimum qualifications, but not a great personality. Remember, it’s the skills that can be taught, not personality and character! In fact, nearly half of executives rely on gut instinct when making hiring decisions; so don’t let yourself get in your own way of pursuing a job you could be great for!

Myth #4: I learned a lot while working in the military, but I’m not going to be able to find civilian work that is similar to what I was doing – and liked to do – while in the military.
Truth: While it’s true that the military is of itself a unique “work environment,” that doesn’t mean there aren’t other jobs in the civilian workplace where you can’t use the skills you have and follow your passion. May of what you learned and used in the military are skills that companies desire in an employee. To find the types of jobs there are available in which you can continue to do similar work as you did while an active service member, try using the Skills Translator – it allows you to enter in your military branch, your pay grade, your job position, and more.

With these myths debunked, you can now go about transitioning to the civilian workforce with a renewed sense of confidence and motivation. You have done a great duty in serving our country, and now it is your time to pursue the career of your dreams!


Emma is a mid 20-something year old with a passion for life, love, fitness, and helping others. She loves to be active and get involved in as many sport and community activities as possible. Emma is currently studying to become a Career & Life Coach, and loves to network with people from around the world! Check out Emma’s blog at http://smileasithappens.blogspot.com/


Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Reunion Jitters

I am realizing that I am scared of my reunion with my husband.  I have had no contact with him for so long; No intimacy, I have not been touched, not been given husbandly affection, no physical contact...you get the idea.  I am a person that required cuddling and many, many hugs, regularly, and it went to zero. I have come to find comfort in zero contact, comfort with being alone.

The overreaction that I had the other day just goes to show how I may need to seek some conversations with a counselor once again to allow myself to be open to the fact that there is a person that I am married to that I will need to be intimate with once again. It's easier to create a fight than face my feelings about a bigger issue.

My husband said, "look, if you have a problem, all you have to do is let me know and ask for an explanation, not make this into a bigger thing."

The excess amount of pictures that he posted to Facebook were literally due to the stupid smoke that I mentioned and the new camera that took multiple photos at one time to document it. Still stupid though.  And ridiculous!  Knowing my husband and his patterns with certain things, I believe it to be true.

Yeah, I made it into something bigger than what it was, but I realize now what I'm having a problem with: the idea of reintegration.

He later went on to say, "Hi sprinkles! Don't let something like that bother you, you have nothing to worry about.  I miss you, love you, and am coming home to you."

I am not afraid of my husband.  I think I'm just afraid of being held, being shown love again, being hugged, having emotions, being kissed, etc. I lost that. It was put on hold. Damn! Just thinking about it, I don't even know if I can go back to being the mushy person I was before he left. I feel like that side of myself was literally turned off.  I feel as if I am the soldier, with no emotions left to show affection and vulnerability.

I may be making it harder than what it needs to be.  But these are real feelings. I wonder if he is just as scared as I am.

P.S. His tungsten rings were "dirt cheap."  <<still shaking my head>>

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Suddenly Struck With Jealousy

I'm not a jealous woman. Sure, I have been insecure in my marriage in the past, but there were reasons for that. The source of my insecurity came from justifiable reasons, too.  My husband gave me legitimate reasons to doubt. And we worked on those reasons thoroughly. This is how we are still together. However! When I saw that he posted 19 photos of the same woman he's deployed with in different poses of her smoking her hookah, plus a photo that looks as if this woman is sitting on his lap, a red flag went up.  Call it a jealous fit of rage if you want. But I will be dammed if he thinks he can get away with this.

Like I said before, I'm a reasonable person. I've just been thrown around one too many times to just let this simply roll off of me like it means nothing whatsoever.

He couldn't take his wedding ring with him, so he gave it to me for safe keeping. I wear it every day to finally be able to put it back on his finger once reunited.  Yet, in yet another photo he just posted, he has another ring on his right hand.  Seriously, I need answers right now.  I don't care if it's the end of his deployment or not. I will not be toyed with.  I am just as delicate as he may be right now, if not more, or so the reunion briefing notes taught me.  I am a woman who deserves the best. Not this. Not photos of the same woman 19 times! He should have photos of ME 19 times!

I know I'm overreacting. But it just makes me sick that he still has to remember to think and remember that he has a wife who has feelings! I told him to "take those million photos of his fucking girlfriend off of Facebook now."  I'm such a bitch. But I'm really not. He just needs to understand what is acceptable. And 19 photos of a woman that is not me, is not. I am not out of line here. What does he need 19 photos of her for? No, seriously. Why?  Is the hookah smoke that cool? Because quite frankly, it's just smoke.

Way to justify your behavior, Jessica. Fucking ridiculous. <<shaking my head at my damn self>>

Friday, May 10, 2013

This Darn 50's Obsession

So, yeah, I've officially put myself into a pinup magazine contest. Am I seriously doing this? Why, yes I am.  And, like I've said before...When I commit to something, it's ALL the way.

http://thepinupmag.com/pinupcontest/

In the next two weeks, I will actually be preparing for the pinup contest I will be participating in, in Wisconsin.  I wanted to make sure to have a few photos with me when I go up.  I did a photo shoot last Sunday, on cinco de mayo, of all days, with my best friend, Allison, and Ray Steup, who are both amazing photographers with their own styles.  I had SO much fun.


Hues of Blue

Since I've begun my position, I feel like I have been the busiest person on the planet.  The change of pace has led me to believe that I am seriously on overdrive pushing forward, full speed ahead.  I don't have too much time for much of anything other than my job.  It's kind of funny because I've experienced the extremes.  Before I had my job, I had all the time in the world.  Now that I have my job, I have no time at all; or so it seems.  I have learned that I started my job during our busy season: the end of the academic school year and the beginning of our summer academy program.  So this means, last minute scrambling to get some things accomplished before school is out, with me learning as I go.

Yo Yo's AKA my coffee refuge
I told a colleague of mine that my office has literally become my second home and Yo Yo's (a frozen yogurt and coffee shop in our building) coffee house blend has become my official beverage.  I've even become a Yo Yo's rewards member.  What a coffee snob! (It's only been 3 weeks to accomplish coffee snobdom). haha!

As a result, work has kept me in the office until around 8pm almost every evening since I've started, including Saturday's.  I am definitely learning how much time is needed to devote to this position.  Within that time, I think  that my husband may be worried, concerned, I don't know...somethin'! He asked, "Do you always have to work those type of hours?"  Which then led him to say, "It will be interesting to see how our relationship turns out."

Now, I don't know about him, but I sure hope he realizes that he's been gone for an entire year, with absolutely no contact with me whatsoever, other than an occasional conversation on the phone or on Skype.  With that said, when he comes home, it's not like he's going to have absolutely no contact with me.  So, I'm just like...brush it off, Jess, brush it off.  But, I'm not gonna lie...it bothered me that he said that.  I have endured an entire year without him.  And he's now wondering how our relationship turns out because of my job? What about HIS job? grrrr.

I don't want to assume. But, dammit, come on!  I'm not a pinball machine! I'm not a yo yo, either.  First it's, get a job. Next it's, oh, you can't get time off? Now it's, your hours suck, then it's, we'll see how it all turns out?  I like to think of myself as an optimistic person with occasional touches of pessimism, but dammit! These hues of blue and shades of gray are annoying the crap out of me.

Stay positive dammit! Just do it!

It's gonna work!




Saturday, April 27, 2013

More Gifts

The time is getting closer. Each day that passes brings my husband closer to me.  I can't even believe it's almost been an entire year.  This year has shown me how much I've grown as a person in various ways. I've experienced a LOT of closure on so many things. I have experienced new beginnings, both good and challenging. I have experienced what it's like to be alone again. I've experienced independence again. It's refreshing. I couldn't have said that it is "refreshing" until now, though.  I held so much resistance for so long.  It's interesting how that works.  I am definitely in anticipation to re-learn what life will be like with my husband here again. It will not be as simple as some would think. I am so used to being alone now.

My husband sent me more gifts.  I had to make a trip down to our home, and in the mailbox was a package from his APO.  He went to Sea World at one point of his deployment, which I think is adorable, and he bought me a couple t-shirts, and a bracelet. How cute! The T-shirts are rather large...I kinda laughed when I tried them on. But they are super cute! I'm just thinkin'....wait until he gets a load of me. HAHA! I have seriously changed since he left, in so many ways. I am a total girly girl now. I'm not sure how he's going to react when he first sees me.

I've seriously been thinking about our reunion.  Our reunion family briefing was today at the same time I was working, so I could not go to it.  However, as I reflect, I remember that I did not cry at his departure ceremony.  My family did, though. I guess I was still in shock, because the tears came much later, plenty of them.  But when I see him...that's a whole other ballgame. I tear up every time I think of when we will be reunited again. Seriously, I do. I am in such anticipation; such hope for the future.


Jessy Wessy, HAHAHAHA!!  I was wondering which name he'd pick to write on this one. HAHAHA!


The Irony of Life as I Know it

Every single dream I've had for my life profession has come to fruition. All of the things I wrote about here in my blog came true. Literally.  I have been talking about so many things that I was looking for to comprise a single job that included all of my life passions.  Since I've started my position, I have become my program's designated photographer.  I will be travelling a lot with this position.  I will be doing presentations, helping high school students with every step of their educational journey from high school to college; I will be finding my student's jobs and internships, coordinating activities, both cultural and educational; I will be writing again to create quarterly newsletters. I will be using my Flairware Boutique business as a fundraising opportunity not only for myself but for my students as well. I seriously am the luckiest and most grateful person I could ever be. The irony of life as I know it is that dreams do indeed come true.  And there are positions out there that do allow every single skill a person possesses to be used in one single packaged deal.  Although it took some time to fall into place, I am blessed to know that all the waiting was totally worth it. Truly worth it.

The first week of my new position was challenging. I got sick with a fever and sinus infection by Wednesday. Icky! Booooo! Damn you, immune system! I went through an entire box of tissue, too. My poor nose hurts. haha! I pulled through though. I wasn't about to skip a beat. I had to work today, too; what an amazing experience! We honored our graduating senior's today. Tonight, I'm sure to fall out for sure.  Sleep is on my agenda.  I'm kind of exhausted.

I have tons of photos to edit.

God, I love this.

I'm SO thankful.


Tuesday, April 23, 2013

My Refuge...Found

I know what my refuge is...my job.

My parents came home. But not before all of the Midwest flooding got ahold of them. They had stories to tell about their big adventure. It seemed like it was a kind of renewal for them. I have hope.

Friday, April 19, 2013

We Now Return You to Your Regularly Scheduled Program

I slept 12 hours last night to catch up on the lack of sleep I've had this past week. Seriously. I haven't slept for 12 hours since my very first year of teaching back in 2005. How did I sleep 12 hours last night? Well...My parents ran away together. They just "went south" and are "not sure when they will return."  We are able to contact them via cell phone, though. Thank goodness.  After them telling me to help myself to their house, I decided that if I want to have some kind of rest, I would stay there.  There is nothing any of us can do about this whole situation other than taking care of ourselves.  In order for me to do so, I knew I needed sleep. I just didn't realize how much I would need.  I feel renewed today. Not fully renewed, but at least I got the sleep I've been lacking.

Monday, April 15, 2013

Normalcy, please?

The contents of my life currently reside within the dimensions of my oldest sister's spare bedroom.  The room is cluttered with years and years and years of life clutter. I am cramped. But it is now "home."

I didn't want to worry my husband, but he has to know what is happening. I was supposed to move in with my parents.  They are located literally 5 minutes from where my position will be, and they have the space upstairs, since they do not use that portion of their house.  However, my position requires a clear mind every single day because I will be serving our high school students that are transitioning into college.  I considered every single factor and felt that it was imperative to be in a healthy living environment to be at my best.  I cannot live with my parents and expect to "survive." With the demands of the position, and me giving the best of myself to my students, I cannot be within the current conditions and expect anything other than what they are dishing out to each other, with me in the middle as a dumping post.

After telling my husband of what we have experienced in the past few days, he is actually over there researching possibilities for me to have my own place up here in Fort Wayne. I cannot even begin to be more thankful for him realizing and considering that this position is permanent for as long as it possibly can be.  Can you believe that my husband is looking for a possible small condo for me? I can't believe it either.  But, the investment is probably ideal, with all things considered.

I have lived a whopping two days with my oldest sister. And I about freaked out from claustrophobia already. We are somewhat of a hoarding family, not as bad as you see on those insane television shows on TLC, though.  We have things that may be useful in the future even though they serve no purpose whatsoever.  This, along with being a teacher, proves to be problematic when trying to put the contents of my life in a bedroom.  Teachers are the worst. They hoard everything. From thumb tacks, to sticky notes, and old and outdated textbooks that may be useful for, I don't know, children from the 1960's.  hahaha!

I'd like to think that I have gone through the emotions that anyone would go through in this kind of predicament. I feel displaced, I feel like I'm in the way, I feel like I'm an inconvenience, I'm pissed, (God...I am feeling sorry for myself, and that is unacceptable.)  I have to make do with the space I have.  I have an entirely different lifestyle than both of my sisters.  I go to bed at 9pm every night. This girl needs and values her sleep.  Last night I went to bed at 9:30pm, and fell out to loud laughs, conversation, and a blaring television.

My refuge I have yet to find up here.  I just want to scream.

I MUST stay positive.

I haven't even started my position yet.  That comes on the 22nd. And I thank God for every extra minute I have to assist in this difficult transition so I can establish some kind of routine.






Friday, April 12, 2013

"Normal" Mental Health

The last two days have been the most devastating, horrific, heartbreaking days of my life. When it comes to my parents, I would be mortified if anything happened to them. After all, they are my parents.  My mom ran away and my dad kept quiet about it.  Call it women's intuition? or call it the forces that be, but we knew something was not right. When my sister found out that my mom ran away, she told me immediately, and I then told my oldest sister.  We were searching for a missing person at this point.

When we were children, she would normally run away, but often would return later the same day or night, with gifts for all of us. This was normal for us. So we ultimately thought that mom would return.  Little did we know that she packed her bags, and took her blankets and told my dad that she was leaving to stay at a women's shelter.

There's so many things about our childhood that makes this behavior "normal." However, throughout the years, we have seen our mother deteriorate by claiming that my dad was trying to kill her by way of somehow controlling the thermostat in their home which would therefore make my mom have an actual physical reaction by becoming icy cold, and three of her fingers would go white, and she would not be able to get warm.

The three fingers that would turn white on my mom are the fingers that my dad twisted and broke her tendons to then leave humongous knuckles.  My mom never got help to repair her fingers.  She never got help for the abuse, either.

My mom actually ran away. She took their van, packed a bag, blankets, and had supplies like water, bread, and other foods and actually planned to stay in the van at a truck stop. She lied about the woman's shelter. She lied about her staying at the truck stop, too.  She claimed she stayed at a "hotel," and after us asking her which hotel, she said she stayed at the "one down the street."

My parents are 67 years old going on adolescence; my mom is suffering probably from PTSD and schizophrenia, but my mother refuses to seek help because she says, "I am not sick, I don't need help."

Now that she is acting out, I realize that something HAS to be done. My job now is to educate myself as much as possible to brace myself for what is to come.  Mental illness is real. When you do not get help, you continue the cycle.  Some may not need help, but some do. Everyone is different. But my dad told me to back off. So, we are dealing with two people that will not cooperate. I am SO scared.

My mom has re-lived her trauma every single day since we were kids. She has good days and bad days, but she makes it clear that she is a victim of abuse.  She truly believes that all of the men in our lives that we are married to are trying to kill us as well.  Through her explanations, she is so convincing. Convincing enough to try to make us believe that she does not have a mental illness.

We met with a mental health professional yesterday. We now have the tools in which to understand what we are dealing with, and how to deal with it. This will not be a simple task. It is a task that will need nurturing, love, compassion, empathy, patience, and strength.

To say that I am emotionally and mentally exhausted is an understatement. Add in desperate, sad, upset, scared, and angry to the mix...and that may be an inkling as to what I'm still trying to pinpoint as my emotion. Is there even a single word for that?





Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Karma is a B#$%^...SOMETIMES

You know that "really ugly stuff" I mentioned a little ways back? Well...THAT was the kicker that started it all. If my husband hadn't been abusive with me about my lack of employment, I would not have gone into reactive mode the way I did. The result? Naturally, I immediately began applying for jobs in the Fort Wayne area out of desperation.  I had to find something to show him that it wasn't me!  I found some amazing jobs to apply for while on my search and applied to each and every possibility. Some I was under-qualified for, some I was qualified for, and some I was over-qualified for.  But they were all lovely representations of what JESSICA is all about.

The consequences? Well, they speak for themselves. He wanted me to get a job, so I did.  The jobs that are available are not local to where we currently live. As of today, there are still no permanent, full-time jobs knocking at my door here in Indy. And I am not about to set myself up for failure by applying to jobs that aren't prevalent nor applicable to my background as my husband so persistently tried to make me do. So, basically this is karma biting him in his ass for being abusive to me.  At least, that's how I partially see it.

I am seriously thrilled about this job. It is MY dream job. It is honestly what I have always wanted to do.  It is honestly where I've always wanted to work since I was a very young person growing up in Fort Wayne, Indiana. And, it has everything that I want and more, plus the flexibility within the position that ensures variety in each work day to keep it interesting.

I am definitely not and have never been vengeful. But karma sure is.

So..what does this mean for my marriage? Well...this is unknown at this point in time. I am going to live in Fort Wayne during the work week with my family, and then drive down to our home for the weekends.  Plus, my husband has guard drill once a month. So, that could mean a whopping two times out of a month I get to see him. However, there will be occasional work days on Saturday's with this position. So, who knows when I will see him.

All I can say is that this entire episode was a HUGE learning experience for me. I can't say that it was a huge learning experience "for the both of us" because I seriously do not know if he gets it. There are consequences to ALL of our actions. In all of this time alone, I have learned to think positive no matter what, and I have learned that I have to take care of myself in every single aspect of my life. I can't rely on anyone else but me, myself, and I.

Since I've become a military wife, I lost that independent, self-sufficient girl that used to exist. Being any part of the military is no picnic in my opinion.  People lose themselves.  I seriously do not know if it's just me that holds this viewpoint.  I told my husband once that from what I've seen and experienced, I understand why military wives are so depressed, on anti-depressants, jobless, not social, among other things.  I followed him, losing myself in the process. We hadn't been in a place long enough to establish a life anywhere.  We went from town to town and we went to different states.  I just couldn't put my feet in the ground anywhere to feel like I fit in and belonged.  It has been just a head spin.

Toward the beginning of our marriage, I remember clearly the day that I was offered a similar opportunity at the same place I will now work. He made me choose, one or the other, because of the distance of the job.  I remember like it happened yesterday. He was insecure about it affecting our marriage.  And I chose him and our marriage.  So I gave up that job.  Isn't it funny how I have come full circle and this job is present once more? This is fate telling me something.  He told me this time that he did not want me to feel like I had to choose.

And if that means a job that is a little over two hours away, well damnit, that's just what I'll do.

I mean, seriously, pass on an amazing job because it's not local? Who knows when and if a permanent job opportunity down here in Indy will present itself?  I am not about to be bullied again.

This is not my doing.  This is the beauty of life telling me which direction to go.

I'm taking one day at a time.



You Know How I Feel; I'm feelin' good.






Thursday, April 4, 2013

Seriously?

Call me selfish or a bitch if you want to, hell...over-reactive, even. I don't care at this point what anyone thinks of me. I'm not interested in fitting in. If you don't like me, that's not my problem.  But, why is everyone making plans for vacation for me and my husband before he has even returned? Why is that? Do you really think I want to spend any time with anyone else other than my husband? When he returns, I will not have seen him for an entire year. Do you even understand what that means? Why the hell are you asking me if I want to par-take in something with anyone other than my own husband upon his return? Do you even understand the transition that has to take place?  I am not letting other people interfere in the re-development of our relationship! I am sick of other people calling the shots. SICK!  This is MY husband.  He has been gone from my life for an entire year. FUCK OFF!  ok...commence calling me selfish and a bitch now. Do you really think I care? Nope. Not one bit.

Everyone ALWAYS does that. Even before he left for deployment, everyone SUDDENLY had time for him and they all tried to take the last moments I had with him away from me. And that seriously pisses me off.  Let me spend time with my husband! If and when he wants to take off and visit others, he can do it; whatever he wants to do.  But don't make me plan something right now before he has even returned.  I will NOT be persuaded to spend my time any other way than the way I want to spend it with my husband.

Ok...I stepped off my soap box. Fit of pure fucking annoyance complete.



Monday, April 1, 2013

The Garage Door

 So...I didn't do this to my garage, but I wanted to. HAHA! 
So...my garage door has been giving me issues. It just up and broke. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with it either. It wouldn't close. I would go to close it, it would start closing, and then suddenly it would stop and go up. I would push it again, and it would close half way, and then stop and go right back up.  I'm not sure if it was the censors.  Which I suspect it wasn't, because I cleaned them off and made sure they were functioning correctly.  I had nothing in the way of the sensors, either. But I had to get my neighbor to help me out because this girl right here does not have the muscles nor a good back to do this by myself.  So, thankfully, my neighbor was able to manually close the door so I could travel home for Easter.  So, now...not only did I have my husband's car that took a dump, I had a garage door that took a dump as well. I was totally buggin'.

Fast forward two days.  I got instructions from my brother-in-law on the phone as to what to do, and by goodness it worked! My garage wanted to be impossible for me for some reason. Thankfully, I didn't have to call anyone to come out to fix it.  This girl right here is turning into a one woman Ms. Fix-it! Go me! Go me!

Was this my garage pulling an April Fool's prank on me?!

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

It's Time For a Jump!

I seriously hope my husband never finds out that I have neglected his car. So much so that it did not start up today when I went to start it up.  Yeah, it's been around 3 months since I last started it up. Don't judge! HAHA! Today, I can say that I have officially jumped a car all by myself! Problem is, is that it still didn't start. Woe is me. HAHA!

Why am I laughing? Well...because it's seriously funny! HAHAHAHA! This would totally happen. Of course.


UPDATE: I got her running! I charged her battery, and drove her around yesterday for a while. But a problem remains. I am hoping the battery charger did its magic overnight so it will start up on her own.  Just call me Ms. Mechanic Jess. HAHA! Ok...so, not a certified mechanic or anything like that...but I at least know how to put red to red and black to black AND I know how to plug in a plug to an outlet! HAHA!  ;o)~

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

The Coolest Thing To Have Happened

Not even in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would or could participate in a pinup contest.  THE Carmen Lee emailed me and said, "Wish you could come and be in the pinup contest that I'm running!"  The first thought that ran through my mind was...nahhhh, I couldn't! But after further consideration, I told myself, why the heck not?! Life is short! It's time to LIVE!! The event is on May 25th in Wisconsin.  By then I am hoping to have decided on my 50's vintage inspired ensemble   And I'm hoping I will have learned how to do victory rolls for my hair, or at least pin curls. Did I mention that I am obsessed with the 50's?? My wardrobe is literally ALL 50's vintage inspired.





While I Wait; I COLLABORATE

As I'm waiting, I thought I might as well make a job for myself if I can't get one.  The right "job" just hasn't come along, and I refuse to let dust collect under my feet anymore.  I am putting my talents to work myself.  HMM! Take that, universe!




UPDATE:

When I launched Flairware Boutique's Facebook page, and a main site where you can purchase my items, a beautiful person, Heidi, who has her own Etsy vintage clothing shop asked me if I would like to be a guest blogger for her blog.  So after collaborating together, we decided Flairware Boutique would have a giveaway for visiting her blog, and ultimately going to my Facebook page.  Here is the excerpt I wrote for her blog.  Check her out at: Heidi's Wanderings

Flairware Boutique Giveaway So a couple of months ago I went out to celebrate my friend Laura's birthday.

Laura


At this birthday celebration I met Laura's cousin Jessica.


Jessica Maria Montalvo-Anderson
Jessica

Jessica has an interest in 1950's vintage clothing, and she has great style, and a great personality. She also opened a new shop online called Flairware Boutique selling her magnificent flairware. Jessica is my guest poster for the day. Read on faithful followers for information on her magnificent giveaway.


Picture this: Hair song scene of the musical Hair.  People dancing all over the place, some people prancing around in a park outside as they whip their hair back and forth.  (You know, like those cheesy Herbal Essence shampoo commercials) Some people are in jail hanging from their cell bars while singing, “Gimme a head with hair, long beautiful hair, shining, gleaming, streaming, flaxen, waxen,” fast forward to, “I want it long, straight, curly, fuzzy, snaggy, shaggy, ratty, matty, oily, greasy, fleecy, shining, gleaming, streaming, flaxen, waxen, knotted, polka-dotted, twisted, beaded, braided, powdered, flowered, and confettied, bangled, tangled, spangled, and spaghettied!” Are you singing, yet?  HAHA!

I have had a long head of hair since I can remember. It’s been short, too.  Heck, it has literally tortured me for the latter of my life. I have had more than my fair share of tangles. I have even had my fair share of bad hair days and hair blunders. And I wouldn’t want it any other way.  It is just better to turn that hair frown upside down!

Along with my long hair, the 1950’s styles have always been a part of my life. I am obsessed with poodle skirts, wiggle dresses, and saddle shoes. The bows and hair flowers that I make are 50’s vintage inspired retro, rockabilly hair flair that I wear every day.  And what I thought was going to be a couple of hair flowers and a few hair bows for my hair ended up being an entire production and assembly line right in my very own living room. Thus, Flairware Boutique was launched.

Come and “like” me on my Facebook Flairware Boutique page at:www.facebook.com/FlairwareBoutiqueA fan from my Facebook Flairware Boutique page will be chosen for a giveaway. You will be able to choose ANY one item from my boutique, FREE! Let the giveaway begin!! ANY item in stock, to one random fan who "like", reposts, or comments "pick me", each counts as separate entry with another chance to win. Look for what you will want if you win here: http://flairwareboutique.yolasite.com/

But you have to visit and follow the rules by 3/18/2013 at noon EST. So hurry up and visit her page.

Happy to report: Flairware Boutique made its first out of state sale yesterday! And I am SO thankful for the lovely support!


UPDATE #2:

I am sponsoring two really big events in May; one in Fort Wayne, Indiana the other in Wisconsin. I am seriously thrilled.